As an outdoor writer I seldom hunt alone. I’m usually with a guide or, if the outfitter wants a story encompassing more than just my hunt, a guide and another hunter. The latter setup has allowed me a lot of great hunting in the past two decades buteven more in the way of strange stories told in the confines of a deer blind.
These "confessions" run from the humorous to the asinine to the flat out way-too-weird-to-be-telling-a-stranger.
Here is my countdown of the five oddest confessions I’ve ever been witness to while in a deer blind. Although I use no names, trust me, the following is all 100% true.
5. Not Sure If I Believe It But Know I Don’t Want To Think About It
"Pretty small blind, huh?" the guide commented as we settled in for our morning hunt. I nodded in agreement and scrunched into the half a chair I was directed to by flashlight.
"Yeah," the guide continued. "Tight a’ space as it is, you wouldn’t believe what my girlfriend n’ I did in here the other night. We tore it up bruth’a. Tore it up! Wild and wooly I’m telling ya’. Wild and wooley!"
Why did this guy repeat everything twice?
Noticing the extra 40 or so pounds my guide was carrying around his mid-section and having met his equally gut-endowed girlfriend I found this a rather disturbing mental picture.
Still, much like passing a car wreck that you just can’t help but look at I found myself studying the small blind wondering how if what he said was true was true they did what they did.
But I didn’t think about it for long. It was just too gross an image.
4. Tricky Nicky
The question of, "Ya’ ever seen a Meth head lit up?" was posed to me by a part-time guide and full-time Beaumont police officer a few years ago. In all fairness, I must reveal that I had asked to hear cop stories the night before.
I just found this one an odd story to tell in the confines of a blind before sunrise.
"You think we’ll see any deer?"
"Hey. You ever seen a Meth head lit up?"
The Meth addict in question was "Tricky Nicky" who apparently had a bad habit of cutting herself when tweaked out of her gourd (And to think I thought Meth was a bad habit). "This one time ’ol Tricky Nicky was hole’d up in tha’ corner of this store just running glass over her arms and neck. Just cutting herself up! We tried to get her to stop but she wasn’t buying any so I shot a spark into her to keep her from really hurting herself. She jumped ’round like a lightning bolt on crack (Or Meth.). Took two hits to drop her."
Lovely.
3. You’re Telling Me This Now?
One guide waited until the second day of my hunt to tell me how he had accidently shot a hunter he was guiding only a year earlier. "I thought the safety was on," is how he began the story. "I guess it wasn’t. When I dropped the rifle it just went off. Shot him right there in front of his son. I felt horrible but accidents happen, right?"
Uh, not if you’re careful and practice proper gun safety they don’t.
I watched the guide so meticulously for the rest of my hunt that I actually missed out on several deer.
Do you blame me?
2. We Should All Be So Lucky
A fellow hunter explained to a guide and me how the payout he received from the company where an industrial flash fire left him with burns over 80% of his body had allowed him the privilege of hunting "whenever and wherever I want for the rest of my life." The hunter went on to say, "In a way that day turned out to be one of the luckiest days of my life. Can’t tell you how many hunts I’ve been on since that day and the folks over at Cabela’s know my name cuz I buy so much from ’em. It was better than winning the Lotto."
Think I’ll stick with Lotto tickets myself.
1. You Might Want to Get That Checked
I doubt if I’ll ever hear anything in a deer stand that rivals my number one confession pick.
And I really hope I never do.
"You ever have your prostate checked?" is how my oddest encounter in a deer stand began. From there it spiraled further and further into an abyss of feeling uncomfortable as this older guide shared with me his personal history and his new found knowledge of the male anatomy.
"Had the cancer on mine last year," the old man explained. "It’s been in remission for six months now."
I nodded and offered my congratulations. He continued to "educate" me.
"It’s the gland that makes that milky white fluid that’s mixed in with y’er see-man."
That’s enough. Really. Thank you.
"Yeah, I never gave all the inside parts a lot of thought ’till the doc gave me my first rectal exam. You ever had one? Ain’t gonna lie. The exam ain’t no fun. Y’er in their freezing y’er cojones off in a paper gown that’s open in the back. Then the doctor comes on in n’ puts on a pair of gloves n’ starts greasing his fingers up with a big tube a’ goo."
